So, I’ve started to work full time again and I am loving it. I was living the princess life (You know! I slept in the afternoons, drank fresh tea at 4:00 pm, walked around in my pajamas the whole day) for the past 1.5 years, but now I am back to being the peasant who works like hell.
It was quite the struggle for me to convince myself that it was the right decision. I had gotten my son and my husband used to me being the stay at home mom/wife. I was used to being the over-involved mom (at least pretended to be!) who was omni-present (I exaggerate, don’t I. You’re free to bash me in comments) in her child’s life. For the first few months, I asked my son questions like “it is awesome to have mom at home right?” and he would reply “I miss grand-mom’s dosa” (Well! I did too, I never complained). Once I got my family used to me being at home, I went and found a full-time job.
I know, I know! I am a horrible person. Look! I am not some moron or a manipulative idiot. I really wanted to stay at home. Be a non-caring mom. Be someone who’s primary worry is weight-loss. Be someone who does all the kid’s school projects. Be the one who knows the child’s syllabus by heart (those moms are super humans). Be the mom who drops her child at various classes (Karate, swimming, dancing, singing, cricket, football, we’ve tried it all). Be the wife who literally answers to her husband’s beck and call. Be the wife who keeps warm dinner ready when her husband comes home (I know what you’re thinking. Well! Your thinking is wrong people).
And I did all this. Did all of this and some more for 1 whole year without complaining. My work friends (such angels) had a bet pool going as to when I will break and go back to work. My mom was both happy and extremely sad (she is not insane, just a Gemini) about me staying at home. My aunts were outright furious that I left my job (what supporting family I have! Sigh….).
After a year, I was lonely. I missed work. Not just the interactions with people. But the whole process of it. I missed wearing good clothes daily. I missed having regular meal hours. I missed being up-to-date on the up-to-date stuff (look! I just missed canteen banter about all the world’s happenings). I even missed the 9-hours rule (I know I am crazy). And, yeah, I missed the monthly salary. It was nice to have an income.
To summarize, I just missed being a working person with an income. And, so, I am now getting my family used to me working again. I have made my son believe that if women feel stressed or weak, they should quit their work and stay at home (what a bad example I am setting!). The other day, he told me “quit your job, other mom’s stay for my cultural activity at school, but you don’t” (the cultural activity is for an hour! Don’t know what they do the whole day). Seems harsh right? At first glance, it seems like the kid is being a brat. Well! He just misses me and is Lashing out.
I am quite confused as to what role I am supposed to play and what role I like to play. I seem to have this obsession with impressing people (which woman does not!). I want my husband to be proud of me. I want my son to be proud of me. I want my mom, my aunts, my extended family to be proud of me. More than all, I want myself to be proud of me.
I’ve finally realized that “you can’t impress everyone”. Someone will always be unhappy about your life decisions. And I will not change myself, so they can be happy and proud (hmmm! I don’t sound like a preachy baba right?).
So, I’ve started to work full time again and I am loving it. The company is good, people are good, and I love my work. The other day, my son ransacked my bag to find my mobile charger and found a parker pen. He was so fascinated by it and asked me “MOM! Your office gives you parker pens?” “Yes” I replied proudly. “WOW! That’s an awesome office.” I said “you can take it kiddo! It’s yours” “no! no! I will lose it, it is costly”. I said “keep it safe! I can always get another pen from my office”. I will never forget the look in his eyes. He was proud of me folks! He was proud of me because my office gives me parker pen! (I will never figure kids out).
I have seen people taking about getting out of the comfort zone so as to achieve things. We gals have been doing it for as long as I remember. It is ok to feel guilty, depressed, happy, sad and proud at the same time. We’re women, we’re complex (Now! Let’s enjoy confusing the hell out of ourselves and others).